Trade Secret
by FelsGoddess
Summary: The Trio return the Hogwarts for an anniversary dinner. Special appearances by the ghosts of Cedric and Voldemort. Humor challenge fic.


Title: Trade Secret  
Author: FelsGoddess  
Fandom: Harry Potter  
Summary: Written for the 17th House Cup game.  
Notes: Challenge fic - Must include all of the following in a fic about Hogwarts or anything in the HPverse:  
- "Never tell me the odds!"  
- Peeves  
- Bipping (bipping=throwing a loaf of bread or other convenient object at someoneï¿½s head, usually when they are being stupid)  
- An internet meme reference of some sort (for example, lolcats or orly/yarly)  
- Lyrics from any song. Ever. Identify it somehow.  
- Voldemort singing his part of the song from [link=.com/watch?v=Tx1XIm6q4r4]The Mysterious Ticking Noise[/link] video (language warning in the comments section).  
- "We Earth Men have a talent for ruining big, beautiful things."  
- A reference to cake.  
- snow  
- Cedric Diggory meeting Edward Cullen

"Oy! What do you mean we have guests?" Ron Weasley asked Hermione as they walked to the Great Hall at Hogwarts for dinner. It was three years after the Battle of Hogwarts. The dinner was being held as part of the memorial services to honor those who lost their lives to Voldemort and his followers. It was held every year. This was the first one that Harry had not been pressured into making a speech.

Hermione Granger rolled her eyes and said, "Weren't you listening? Ten people showed up last night to speak with Dumbledore. They didn't know he was dead. I don't think they are completely human."

"Well what do you think they are?" Ron asked. "And where have they been that they haven't heard that? Everyone knows he died."

"I'm not sure. They must be from another country," Hermione murmured, "I'll have to do some research at the-"

"Library, we know," Harry Potter mumbled, "It's always the library. Why can't you research somewhere else, for once?"

"Like where?" Hermione asked with a huff.

"I heard about this new thing, the Internet. Dudley used to pull up information all the time," Harry replied.

"Information on what?" Hermione asked, skeptical.

"Well, when anyone was in the room, bullying, girls, lolcats, stuff like that. I looked one day and he had a bunch of pages about butterflies up."

"lolcats?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah. These cats with funny captions."

"Dudley was looking up butterflies?" Ron asked with a snort.

"Yeah," Harry said. "Who knew big ol' Diddykins had a thing for pretty insects. I showed it to his fiancé at their engagement party."

Ron snickered, "Serves him right."

"Well I can't use it here, Harry. Technology won't work with magic," Hermione told him and they walked into the Hall to take their seats.

"This is depressing," Ron muttered as picked up his fork. The speeches had just ended. Food appeared instantly, just as it had when Harry, Ron and Hermione had attended Hogwarts.

"Hush," Hermione scolded. "It's a memorial dinner. What did you expect?"

"I didn't expect Dumbledore's portrait to make a speech," Ron stated as he took a bite of his potatoes. Dumbledore's portrait had been propped up against the old podium and he'd made a moving speech about living life and sacrifices.

"Voldemort, Voldemort, ooo Voldy, Voldy, Voldy, Voldemort!" a painfully familiar voice sang. Harry's forehead prickled in annoyance, not pain. He rubbed his scar out of habit.

"I never thought that Voldemort would come back a raving mad ghost," Harry commented as Voldemort's ghost drifted through the room singing.

"He's more annoying than Peeves when he sings "California Gurls," Ron muttered.

"Don't!" Harry and Hermione yelped, but it was too late. Peeves appeared in the room, scooping baked goods off the table and held them against his chest. Anytime anyone mentioned the song, Peeves would burst out of the wall and sing.

"California girls/We're unforgettable/Daisy Dukes/Bikinis on top," Peeves screeched as he put a piece of cake on his head.

"Yeah, Voldemort is still more annoying," Ron reiterated as he picked up his goblet and took a drink.

Any response Harry or Hermione would have had was stopped by the appearance of three people, two males and a female.

"Harry! That looks like…" Hermione said with a gasp as her eyes set on the shorter man.

"Cedric…" Harry exclaimed. The doppelganger turned to look at him and then shifted his gaze upwards. The man flinched at what he saw. Harry followed his gaze and saw Cedric Diggory, the ghost.

The doppelganger told the other two in his group to go on without him. They walked forward toward Dumbledore's portrait. Cedric floated to the man warily. They stared at each other, sizing each other up. Harry, Ron and Hermione sat with jaws dropped at how identical the two looked. The only difference was the hairstyle and Cedric had more life-like skin. Well, he had had more life-like skin when he'd been alive.

"Who are you?" Cedric asked harshly.

"Edward Cullen. Who are you?" the man said smoothly.

"Cedric Diggory. Or I was."

"Edward? What's going on?" a brunette woman said as she walked up to the man. Her skin was the color of the snow outside. She laid a hand on Edward's arm.

"Bella, this is Cedric," Edward introduced. "Cedric, this is my wife, Bella Cullen."

The woman stared at Cedric with adoring eyes. Her eyes flicked back and forth between the two men. "What's going on? Am I dreaming? TWO Edwards? Oh this is amazing!"

Edward and Cedric glared at her, but she continued gushing.

"It's too amazing. My life was so perfect before, but now it's even better. Now you can be with me all the time! One of you can stay with your family while the other stays with me! Now Reneesme has two fathers!"

Cedric looked absolutely horrified. He looked over at Voldemort, who was flying around the Syltherin table singing. He glanced down at Harry and asked, "Do you think Voldemort could kill me again?"

Harry gave a nervous chuckle, "Maybe."

"Never tell me the odds," Cedric said and whizzed away from the Bella, who was still prattling on about how great everything was.

A biscuit flew from the table and hit Bella in the head. She turned and glared, but no one looked at her. With a huff, she turned and stormed off, Edward following.

"That was weird," Ron said. "Whoever threw that to stop her is my hero."

"I don't know," Hermione said with a shrug.

"We Earth Men have a talent for ruining big, beautiful things." A voice said.

Harry, Hermione and Ron turned around to find the speaker. George grinned at them.

"What, her? I don't think she was a beautiful thing," Ron said with a snort.

"So says you," George commented as he sat next to Harry. "If Hermione wasn't sitting right there you'd be singing a different tune."

"Dream on," Ron mumbled.

"I didn't think you were going to show, George," Hermione said.

"I had a great idea for a new product, if I can get Voldemort to do some recording to me. The acoustics in this room are all wrong," George explain with a wave of his hand.

"What on earth are you making with his voice?" Hermione asked.

"Can't tell. Trade secret. My competition is everywhere," George responded, making a show of looking around suspiciously.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "I'm sure."

"It is." George insisted and then asked, "Where's Ginny?"

"Home sick," Harry responded. "I'd have stayed with her, but she threw me out."

"Good," George replied. "Don't think I don't know what you are doing with my sister, Potter. Defeater of Voldemort or not, I can still take you."

"Voldemort, Voldemort, ooo Voldy, Voldy, Voldy, Voldemort!" Voldemort's ghost called as it flew overhead.

George grinned, "I'll tell ya what, Harry. You make THAT go away and I'll leave you alone about Ginny."

"Forever?" Harry asked.

"For about five minutes," George promised.

"I don't think you can kill a ghost," Harry pointed out.

"Well, you better get to thinking or every time you even think about doing stuff with my sister, I'll be there. "

"How are you going to manage that?" Ron asked in amusement.

"Trade secret."

Hermione groaned, "Stop it, both of you. Ginny is an adult. She can take care of herself. If she chooses to be with Harry, then so be it."

"Awww, come on, Mum," George whined. "You must not get away with anything, Ron."

"Yes, I do. I just have to-OW! Hermione! That hurt!" Ron yelped as Hermione stomped on his foot under the table.

"Serves you right. Honestly, you are both acting like children!" Hermione told them.

"Uh, thank Hermione," Harry said quickly, and then changed the subject, "Did you see that guy who looked like Cedric?"

"Yeah," George responded. "He's a vampire."

"A vampire?" Hermione asked in surprise. "Really?"

"Yes. I ran into his entourage last night. Seems they don't drink human blood and sparkle or something."

"They sparkle?" Ron asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes," Cedric snapped as he reappeared. He "sat" next on the other side of Harry. "I asked around. They sparkle and drink animal blood."

Ron snorted as he ate a bite of his potpie. Hermione, Harry and George glanced over to where Edward, Bella and the other two they had seen earlier were conversing with Dumbledore's portrait.

"How do you suppose he knew them?" Harry wondered aloud.

"When you are as old as Dumbledore, you know everyone," George pointed out. "He's been everywhere. Me? I'd rather let my fans come to me."

"Oh for crying out loud," Ron said with a groan, "Your fans?"

"Yes, my fans," George replied. "Now as much fun as it is to sit here with you lot, I need to snag Voldemort before he starts flirting with the Grey Lady."

After George stood up and left, Ron asked, "Why would Voldemort start flirting with the Grey Lady?"

"She's Rowena Ravenclaw's daughter, Ron. Voldemort found out the location of the diadem from her. Don't you remember?" Hermione said, exasperated.

"The diadem?" Cedric asked.

"Never mind," Harry said, waving his hand dismissively.

Cedric shrugged, "Alright, then. Bloody Hell, here comes that Bella girl again. I've got to get out of here."

With that, Cedric floated away. Bella approached, swooning.

"Where did Cedric go?" she asked.

"Uh, no idea," Ron said. "Where are you lot from?"

"Washington, in the United States. That's where we live at the moment, anyways. We have to move soon because people are starting to ask questions. The hard part is that Reneesme, my daughter, is imprinted on Jacob, a werewolf. To tear them apart-"

"Werewolf?" Ron said, interrupting her. "We knew a werewolf. Remus Lupin. Only saw him change once. My brother was bitten by a werewolf, but he wasn't in his wolf form, so he just gets kind of dog-like once a month."

"Bit? Jacob wasn't bit. It's in his blood to transform into a werewolf when needed. Those other werewolves were gone, I thought."

"Nope. You mustn't have heard of them. Then again, I've never heard of a vampire who doesn't drink human blood and sparkles. It's a bit daft, if you ask me," Ron responded.

Bella looked put out, "Being a vampire is wonderful."

"Ick, no thanks," Ron said. "I'm not sure why you are all after Cedric. He's a ghost. He was killed by that crazy ghost flying around here singing."

"A ghost?" Bella responded skeptically.

Ron rolled his eyes, "You are a friggin' vampire and you don't believe in ghosts? Cedric was right. You are nuts."

Bella turned and stalked off. Hermione and Harry started laughing. The three watched as Cedric knocked into Voldemort, interrupting his song, and zipped out of the Great Hall.

"Voldemort, Voldemort, ooo Voldy, Voldy, Voldy, Voldemort!" Voldemort called.

"Make your voice deeper next time, Voldy!" George called, holding up a recording device. "Then we can go into a classroom and record a more personal tune."

"George wants Voldemort to sing something personal? Like what? Ding dong I'm dead? A Silly, Slippery Snake?" Ron asked with a snort.

"What concerns me is what he is making with the Voldemort sounds," Hermione commented.

"Do you really want to know?" Harry asked.

"No, I suppose not," Hermione said with a sigh. The three turned back to continue their dinner, trying to ignore the medley of Voldemort, Voldemort, ooo Voldy, Voldy, Voldy, Voldemort and California girls/We're unforgettable/Daisy Dukes/Bikinis on top.


End file.
